i suddenly remember the dog i saw in summer 2006

it was i went to a damn place in that summer
just before the last year in high school
i was desperate
really desperate
but what can i do?

seems like no one else understand me
i can hardly eat
i can hardly speak anything
i dont think they were trying to help me

but that moment i saw a dog
i wasnt frightened at all
i looked into his eyes
i saw something there
like we knew each other long time ago
we just look at each other like that for several mintues


i saw sadness in his eyes
he was desperate
i dont know what to do
tears fill my eyes

fuck... is this really the truth?

i went the lab this afternoon

my group has no plan

but the leader didn't tell me....

ok...

fuck it

i don't wanna say anything about this anymore

fuck

even if he called me later around 7

i didn't say anything mean

there is no use to say anything rude or whatever i wanna say

just i don't wanna say anything to anybody

everything is meanless

after class i called mom

i talked about something i feel about the class

and i dont feel that well

cos everybody seems to hide what they know instead of sharing what they had

thoughts is not like apple

u give me one i give u one

both of us still have one

u give me one thought i give u one thought

both of us will have two

but why people don't wanna share?

and i feel somebody really disgusting

what she behave in front of me is totally different from the truth

in other words i think she is look down upon me

whatever

i don't know

just wish i could get out of here soon

can i?

i wanna cry

i know that i am always jealous of others
i am not satisfies with the current states
i don't know
if i could get better
i wonder if i could really achieve something
all my life

i am thinking that i am off line
the line i drew 4 myself when i was young
i wanna make cosmetics
whatever
this dream is impossible now

choosing CIVIL ENGINEERING
means i gave up on bio-chemistry
gave up the thing i wanna do for a long time is not difficult
i know that CE can be fun
i know that learning is fun
BUT JUST ONE QUESTION

AM I REALLY HAPPY?

i am not sure
but one thing i could be sure is that i wanna a different life

over all these 18years
i don't know if i have ever been really serious.........

I know recently many things happened
i wonder if i could just get over them
but can u just stop a moment
listen to me
I'LL BARE MY SOUL

but the answer is that u never really listen....



no one really understands me
it is hard
i seldom show my deepest part

i don't know my life after all these tough years about being a student
can i really get what i want?
what i eager for?
what my life will be?

an indenpent woman or a housewife?




it is too late to apologize....






i am the only person who write and read this blog
whatever
this is a place for myself
i don't intend for anybody
just my life
i write
here
i don't expect anyone
really

and i know i could be a better person





Gil is right...

LIFE IS UNFAIR

MIT is awesome

about 2 weeks ago

i was doing the maths assignment and i found MIT's channel

anyway i thought it might help then i suscribed

today i watch one video about solving differential equations.

the professor is AWESOME

really AWESOME

it's like he could keep u concentrate on for the whole class

well actually when i am having classes..

i could concentrate on no more than 20 minute..

:(

he use the funny example

susan and george's love to explain 

differential equation with complex eigenvalue

that's was fun

and it really worked.

all the examples are awesome

not too complicated

but somewhat easy understant

and they give notes to students....

it is so much different 

WE TAKE NOTES HERE

but they give notes.

:(

that is the difference....

making me want to go to the US sooooooo much...............

work harder..........

i know i wasnt suppose to think about this once again....

but what if i went to BRITAIN a year ago..

my life could be totally different...

everything....

what can i say more????

FUCK HIM

HE DISTORY ALL MY LIFE...

damm u..................

LIFE IS UNFAIR

stop those feelin' and let me get rid of everything 'bout u

i just log in to view my class blog.

pics about him

i used to take a lot but i deleted them after we were no longer together. it is just something that reminds me of those confusing times. look at those pics i found myself much changed this year after go to college. for this reason i should no longer think 'bout him any more. just it was over a long time ago, surely to move on and live my new life and leave all behind. but it is some kinda hard honey. i realised that i am so different compared with the person 1 year ago. not just the apperance but also inside.